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Jokes and Stories: Just Manifestly Funny

I have no neat nomenclature for these jokes and stories. Y'all'll cope, though, won't you lot?

Note: I have no idea where these items originated, with the exceptions noted. If i of them came from your fertile mind or hapless life, then let me know and I'll say that yous claimed credit for it. Besides, delight tell me if whatsoever of this information is subject to copyright limitations and I will remove it immediately.

Surgeon Talk (Bearding)
Forrest Gump Goes to Heaven (Bearding)
Resurrected Rabbit (Anonymous)
Archetype: Chicken Jokes (Bearding)
Aquinas Rules! (Bearding)
If General Motors Built Cars similar Microsoft (Anonymous)
Montana Grizzly Acquit Find (Anonymous)
Virus Alarm (Bearding)
Lawyers (Anonymous)
Storks (Anonymous)
Sherlock Holmes and the Example of the Camping ground Trip (Bearding)
The Empire State Building (Bearding)
How Many Students Does It Take to Modify a Lightbulb At ... (Bearding)
Why I Tin can't Come to Piece of work Today (Anonymous)
Mergers (Anonymous)
Why did the Chicken Cross the Road? (Anonymous)
Duck Food (Anonymous)
And so Drunk He Can't Stand Up (Bearding)
Drunk Driving? (Anonymous)
Attitude Aligning (Anonymous)
A Virus that Microsoft Can Handle (Bearding)
Santa Claus: An Engineer'south Perspective (Anonymous)

Surgeon Talk...

Five surgeons were talking nearly the best patients...

First surgeon says, "Accountants are the all-time to operate on because when you open them up, everything on the within is numbered."

2d surgeon says, "Nah - librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

3rd surgeon responds, "Effort electricians, man! Everything inside them is colour coded!"

Fourth surgeon intercedes," I prefer lawyers.They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and butts are interchangeable."

To which the fifth surgeon, who has been quietly listening to the conversation, says, "I like engineers. They always understand when you accept a few parts left over at the terminate."

Forrest Gump Goes to Heaven...

The twenty-four hours finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. The gates are closed, even so, and Woods approaches the gatekeeper.

Saint Peter says, "Well, Forrest, information technology's certainly adept to see you. We take heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling upwards fast, and nosotros've been administering an entrance exam for everyone. The tests are adequately short, merely you lot need to pass earlier you tin can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It shore is practiced to exist hither Saint Peter. I was looking frontward to this. Nobody ever told me nigh any archway exams. Shore hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough exam equally information technology was."

Saint Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forrest. But, the test I have for y'all is only three questions. Here is the offset: What days of the week begin with the alphabetic character 'T'? 2d, how many seconds are there in a year? Third, what is God's offset name?"

Forrest goes abroad to retrieve the questions over. He returns the next day and goes upwards to Saint Peter to try to respond the examination questions.

Saint Peter waves him upward and asks, "Now that you take had a gamble to recall the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the offset one, -how many days of the week brainstorm with the letter 'T'?" "Shucks, that one's easy; that'd be Today and Tomorrow!"

The saint'south optics open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest! That's not what I was thinking, only ... you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I requite you credit for that respond."

"How nigh the adjacent one" says Saint Peter, "how many seconds in a yr?"

"Now that one's harder," says Forrest. "But, I thunk and thunk well-nigh that, and I gauge the simply reply tin be twelve."

Astounded, Saint Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come upwardly with twelve seconds in a yr?"

Forrest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: Jan second, February second, March second...."

"Hold it," interrupts Saint Peter. "I see where yous're going with it."

"And I approximate I come across your bespeak, though that wasn't quite what I had in listen.

I'll requite you credit for that one as well."

"Let's go along with the next and final question," says Saint Peter, "Tin you tell me God'due south first proper noun?"

Forest says, "Well shore, I know God's first name. Everybody probly knows Information technology's Howard."

"Howard?" asks Saint Peter. "What makes you remember it'southward 'Howard'?"

Forest answers, "It's in the prayer."

"The prayer?" asks Saint Peter, "Which prayer?"

"The Lord's Prayer," responds Forest: "Our Father, Who art in Sky, Howard exist thy name..."

Resurrected Rabbit...

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the eye of the route. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in forepart of the auto and was striking. The commuter, being a sensitive man besides as an animate being lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had go of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful, he began to weep. A adult female driving down the highway saw the human being crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidently hitting this rabbit and killed it."

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her automobile body, and pulled out a spray tin. She walked over to the limp, expressionless rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.

Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped upwardly, waved information technology's paw at the ii humans and hopped down the route. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved and hopped down the road, some other fifty meters, turned, waved and hopped another 50 meters. The human being was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman'south spray tin!!

He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What is in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turned the can around so that the human could read the label. Information technology said: "Hair spray. Restores life to expressionless hair. Adds permanent wave."

Classic: Why did the Craven Cantankerous the Road?

Console yourself by considering the seeming impossibility of getting a straight answer to one of the simplest questions of all time. This is a bit more philosophical, and the political references are a bit dated now, merely some of you might be into that kind of thing.

WHY DID THE Craven Cross THE Route?

Plato: For the greater good.

Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.

Machiavelli: And so that its subjects will view information technology with admiration, every bit a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the route, merely as well with fear, for whom amid them has the forcefulness to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a mode is the princely craven's dominion maintained.

Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.

Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered inside the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is as valid as the authorial intent can never exist discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!

Thomas de Torquemada: Give me x minutes with the chicken and I'll discover out.

Timothy Leary: Because that'due south the only kind of trip the Establishment would let information technology take.

Douglas Adams: Forty-two.

Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Route, the Route gazes also across y'all.

Oliver North: National Security was at pale.

B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a style that information technology would tend to cantankerous roads, even while believing these actions to be of its ain free will.

Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into existence.

Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken institute information technology necessary to cross the route.

Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "route", and circumstances came into beingness which acquired the appearing of this potential occurrence.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Aristotle: To actualize its potential.

Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.

Howard Cosell: It may very well take been one of the near astonishing events to grace the register of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to try such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence.

Salvador Dali: The Fish.

Darwin: Information technology was the logical next stride later on coming downwards from the trees.

Emily Dickinson: Because information technology could not stop for death.

Epicurus: For fun.

Ralph Waldo Emerson: Information technology didn't cantankerous the road; it transcended it.

Johann Friedrich von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made information technology practice information technology.

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the pelting.

Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the route the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.

David Hume: Out of custom and habit.

Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Jack Nicholson: 'Cause information technology (censored) wanted to. That'southward the (censored) reason.

Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?

Ronald Reagan: I forget.

John Sununu: The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, and then quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity.

The Sphinx: You tell me.

Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.

Marking Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

A quinas Rules!

Have center! Here are v proofs for the being of Santa Claus (with apologies to Saint Thomas Aquinas). Again, this is a bit philosophical, just Santa is worth every scrap of intellectual energy we can muster.

"Nosotros proceed thus to the next article of discussion. It seems that Santa Claus does not exist.

Objection ane: Presents may be given by the good elves, and so in that location is no demand for Santa Claus.

Objection two: If Santa Claus existed, in that location would be no chimneys also narrow for him. But there are chimneys to narrow for him, and sometimes none at all. Therefore Santa Claus does not be.

On the opposite, Kay Starr says, "I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus."

I reply that the existence of Santa Claus can be proved in v ways:

The first and most axiomatic way is the argument from Christmas trees. It is sure and axiomatic to our senses that some things in this world are Christmas trees. Now no fir tree becomes a Christmas tree unless it is trimmed. But to exist trimmed means that one receives an ornament. And since one cannot go on to infinity in the passing on of Christmas tree ornaments, there must exist a First Untrimmed Trimmer, and this everyone understands to be Santa Claus.

The second style is from the notion of Christmas presents. In this world we detect the giving of Christmas presents. At present he who gives Christmas presents either fabricated them in his workshop, or got them from someone else. And since, if no ane makes presents in his workshop, there will be no giving of Christmas presents, there must be a first giver of Christmas presents, to whom everyone gives the name of Santa Claus.

The third way is from the plastic paradigm of Santa Claus. In all department stores we come across plastic images that represent Santa Claus. Now these are representations of Santa Claus either because of Santa himself, or because of some other imageof Santa. Now there can exist no infinite regression in representation, and so there must be something which is like Santa Claus because it _is_ Santa Claus.

The fourth mode is taken from the degrees of Christmas Spirit. Nosotros see that people in the world have more or less of the Christmas Spirit. Simply "more than" or"less" is said but with reference to "most"; and and so in that location must exist someone who has the most Christmas Spirit, and this someone we call Santa Claus.

The fifth way is taken from the conduct of children. As Christmas approaches we see children, who lack intelligence, acting for an finish, which is shown past their always (or almost always) being expert. But children would not exist good for Christmas unless someone ensured that they were skilful. This someone is known by all to be Santa Claus.

Reply to Objection 1: Since the skillful elves got the presents they give from someone else, they must be, at the very most, Santa'southward helpers; and without someone to aid, viz., Santa Claus, there can be no helpers.

Reply to Objection ii: It is non impossible that Santa employ the door like everyone else."

If General Motors Built Cars like Microsoft...

At a recent figurer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the motorcar industry and stated: "If GM had kept upward with applied science similar the estimator industry has, nosotros would all exist driving twenty-v dollar cars that got chiliad miles to the gallon." In response to Bill'due south comments, Full general Motors issued a printing release stating (supposedly by Mr. Welch himself): "Yes, but would you lot want your car to crash twice a day?"

Then others added these comments:

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

2. Occasionally your machine would die on the freeway for no reason, and y'all would simply accept this, restart and drive on.

3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to stop and neglect and you lot would have to re-install the engine. For some foreign reason, you would accept this too.

4. You could only have ane person in the motorcar at a time, unless you bought Car95 or CarNT . But then you would have to buy more seats.

5. Macintosh would brand a motorcar that was powered by the dominicus, was reliable, v times as fast, twice as easy to bulldoze, but would only run on v percent of the roads.

vi. The Macintosh machine owners would get expensive Microsoft uprgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.

vii. The oil, gas and alternator alert lights would exist replaced by a single "general automobile fault" warning light.

8. New seats would forcefulness anybody to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say are you sure? before going off.

x. If y'all were involved in a crash, you would take no idea what happened.

eleven. Occasionally, for no reason any, your car would lock yous out and decline to allow you in until yous simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the primal, and grabbed agree of the radio antenna.

12. GM would require all machine buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally route maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither needed nor wanted them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car'south functioning to diminish past 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become the target of investigation past the Justice Department.

13. Every time GM would introduce a new model machine buyers would take to learn how to drive all once again considering none of the controls would operate in the same manner every bit the old motorcar.

xiv. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

Montana Grizzly Bear Observe...

In light of the rising frequency of human being/grizzly bear conflicts, the Montana Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and proceed alert for bears while in the field.

"Nosotros advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their wear so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. We as well advise outdoorsmen to behave pepper spray with them in instance of an encounter with a carry. It is also a expert idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activeness. Outdoorsmen should recognize the divergence between black deport and grizzly bear poop. Black carry poop is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly acquit poop has trivial bells in it and smells like pepper."

Virus Warning...

From: Tim Ferris, Sydney, NSW

If you see a message in your e-mail with a subject area line of "Badtimes," delete information technology immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the well-nigh dangerous virus yet.

It will re-write your hard drive. Not merely that, just it will scramble any disks that are fifty-fifty close to your computer up to 20 feet. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and milk curdles. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram your ATM access lawmaking, screw up the tracking on your VCR and utilise subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play.

It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend your new telephone number. It will programme your phone auto dial to phone call but your mother's number. It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. Information technology will drink all your beer. Information technology will hide your auto keys when you lot are late for work and interfere with your car radio and then that yous hear 1940's hits and static while stuck in traffic.

Information technology will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It volition supplant your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current male child/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.

It will rewrite your back-upwards files, changing all your agile verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretation of primal sentences.

"Badtimes" will give you Dutch Elm affliction. Information technology will go out the toilet seat up and exit the hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a total bathtub.

It will wantonly remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, and refill your skim milk with whole. "Badtimes" is an evil virus conceived by evil people. It is besides a rather interesting shade of mauve.

These are just a few signs. Be very, very agape.

Lawyers...

The local United Way part realized that it had never received a donation from the town's about successful lawyer. The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our enquiry shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give non a penny to charity. Wouldn't yous like to give dorsum to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "Offset, did your research also prove that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um... No."

"Second, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was put off. "3rd, that my sister'southward husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer'southward voice ascent in indignation, "Leaving her penniless with 3 children?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no thought..." On a ringlet, the lawyer cut him off once once again, "...And I don't give any coin to them, then why should I requite any to you?!"

Storks...

Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy."

The adjacent night, it's begetter'southward turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and mother is maxim "Son, your father will be back every bit presently equally possible, only now he'south bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."

A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate: their son is absent from the nest all night! Shortly earlier dawn, he returns and the parents enquire him where he's been all dark.

The babe stork says, "Nowhere. Merely scaring the hell out of college students!"

Sherlock Holmes and the Case of the Camping ground Trip...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. Subsequently a good repast and a bottle of vino they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his true-blue friend. "Watson, look up at the heaven and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

Horologically, I deduce that the fourth dimension is approximately a quarter past three.

Theologically, I tin can come across that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, I doubtable that we volition have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does information technology tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, so spoke. "Watson, you jerk. Someone has stolen our tent."

The Empire State Building...

Ii men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. I turns to the other and says: "You know concluding week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building-by the fourth dimension yous fall to the tenth floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you lot effectually the edifice and dorsum into the window."

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The second Homo says: "What are you a nut? There is no way that could happen."

1st Human being: "No it's true let me prove information technology to y'all." And then he gets upwardly from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street beneath. When he passes the tenth flooring, the high wind whips him effectually the edifice and dorsum into the 10th-floor window and he takes the lift dorsum upwards to the bar.

The 2nd Homo tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, just that must accept been a in one case fluke."

1st Human being: "No, I'll prove it again" and over again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the tenth-floor wind gently carries him around the edifice and into the window. One time upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.

2nd Man: "Well what the hell, it works, I'll attempt it." he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the eleventh, tenth, ninth, eighth floors... and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'

Dorsum upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker: "You know, Superman, you lot're a real jerk when you're drunk."

How Many Students Does Information technology Accept to Modify a Lightbulb At...

Vanderbilt: Two--one to call the electrician and one to call daddy to pay the bill

Princeton: Ii--1 to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician

Chocolate-brown: 11--ane to change the lightbulb and x to share the experience

Dartmouth: None--Hanover doesn't take electricity

Cornell: Two--Ane to change the lightbulb and one to cleft under the pressure

Penn: Just 1, merely he gets six credits for it

Columbia: 70-six-- one to change the lightbulb, fifty to protest the lightbulb's correct to not alter, and twenty-five to hold a counter protestation

Yale: None--New Oasis looks better in the dark

Harvard: Ane--he holds the seedling and the globe revolves around him

MIT: Five--one to blueprint a nuclear powered one that never needs changing, one to figure out how to ability the rest of Boston using that naked lightbulb, two to install it, and one to write the computer program that controls the wall switch

Vassar: Xi--i to spiral it and ten to support its sexual orientation

Middlebury: Five--One to change the lightbulb and four to notice the perfect J. Coiffure outfit to wear for the occasion

Stanford: One, dude

Oberlin: Three--i to change information technology and 2 to figure out how to get loftier off the old i

Georgetown: Four--one to change it, i to call Congress most their progress, and two to throw the old seedling at the American U. students

Duke: A whole frat--but only one of them is sober enough to become the bulb out of the socket

Williams: The whole student body--when you're snowed in, there'due south naught else to practise

Amherst: Two--one to modify the bulb and the other to say loudly how he did it as well every bit an Ivy League student

Sarah Lawrence: Five--one to change the bulb and four to practice an interpretive dance about it

Swarthmore: Eight--it's not that 1 isn't smart enough to do it, it'due south just that they're all violently twitching from also much stress

Boston University: Four--one to change the seedling and ii to check his math homework

Colgate: Fourteen--one to modify the bulb and a xiii-person a capella grouping to immortalize the event in song

Wesleyan: Wesleyan's boycotting GE... you lot know, military-industrial complex and all that

Sewanee: Seven--the five-person Honor Council to decide if it is confronting the Honor Code to change lightbulbs, one to observe a reference in Faulkner to lightbulb changing, and one to pray for the repose of the soul of the deceased bulb

Connecticut College: Ii--one to change the bulb and ane to complain about how if they were at a better school the lightbulb wouldn't become out

Virginia: Three--i to change the bulb, one to hold the keg he'south standing on, and another to aspect electricity to Mr. Jefferson

Kenyon: Two--one to change the bulb and one to claim that Paul Newman touched the bulb

Bowdoin: Three--ane to ski downwardly to the general store and buy the seedling, ane to take the chairlift back to school, and i to spiral information technology in

Boston College: Seven--1 to alter the calorie-free bulb and six to throw a party because he didn't spiral information technology in upside down this time

Santa Clara University: One--only you would never know about it because only Cal and Stanford get press for changing their lightbulbs

Marymount Academy: 24 (the whole graduating course)--i to run beyond the street to Fordham to borrow a lightbulb, one to actually do the deed, and 22 others to write verse nigh it.

Why I Can't Come up to Piece of work Today...

If it is withal to you I won't be coming in to piece of work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

When I got up this forenoon I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. can't get off the john, but I feel adept about it.

I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other one-half back an hour Sabbatum and spent 18 hours in some kind of infinite-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only past reversing the polarity of the power source exactly east*log (pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

My stigmata's acting up.

I tin't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we accept that borderline to encounter...

I am stuck in the blood pressure car downward at the Food Behemothic.

Yes, I seem to have contracted some sort of attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how nigh them Skins, huh? And then, I won't exist able to, yeah, could I assist you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but cheers for calling.

Constipation has made me a walking fourth dimension bomb.

I just plant out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

The dog ate my automobile keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

I prefer to remain an enigma.

My mother-in-law has come up back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her bury to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

I can't come to work today considering the EPA has determined that my firm is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

I am converting my agenda from Julian to Gregorian.

I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

Mergers...

April 20, 1998, New York Times, "Ultimate Oneness," By Jay Jennings

NEW YORK, April xx (AP) -- In a motility that rocked the Street today, Bert and Ernie appear that they had merged to form Bernie, a behemothic conglomeration of felt that will move them into the No. 2 spot, past Large Bird and simply behind Barney.

In recent years the 2 had lost sponsorship from the letter P and the number v, and analysts say the merger will help solidify their market share. "This is a logical move for usa," Bert said. "'Share' is our favorite word."

CONCORD, N.H., May 14 (Reuters) -- Continuing the wave of consolidation that saw Alabama, Mississippi and Georgia join to course Nationsouth, Vermont and New Hampshire signed a deal today that will combine the two into one country with the motto "Live Gratis or Whatever." The deal involves a stock swap in which cows from Vermont and chickens from New Hampshire volition be exchanged i-for-ane.

BANGOR, Me., Aug. 22 (Bloomberg) -- Stephen King announced today that he had acquired Joyce Carol Oates in a deal that will allow him to increment product by as much as 125 percent, boosting his output to at least one novel a month. The new author, who volition do business every bit Stephen, Joyce, Male monarch, Ballad and Oates, will be i of the most tearing and critically acclaimed novelists working today. Though Mr. King sells more books than Ms. Oates, analysts say the acquisition of the respected author will help him make inroads into new markets, like college literature classes. "It'south a win-win situation," Mr. King said in an exclusive interview with The New York Daily Newsday Times. "Joyce has the prestige I've been looking for and is one of the few writers who tin can keep up with my product schedule." An earlier deal in which Mr. Rex had hoped to purchase Upjohn Inc. brutal through when Mr. King was informed that the company was not John Updike.

WASHINGTON, Oct. iii (UPI) -- In a deal that resonated in homes across the country, Cats announced today that it had completed a hostile takeover of Dogs. The new company, which Cats said will exist called OnePet, will supersede the recently created Birdfishgroup as the globe's largest supplier of abode companion services.

PARIS, Nov. 14 (Agence France-Presse) -- In what is thought to be the biggest merger of all time, Men and Women have agreed to join forces into one sex activity, to be called Humanicorp. The details of the arrangement are withal being hammered out, but early negotiations have Men taking breasts. Women take agreed in principle to sentinel ESPN merely take refused to give up self-respect. There are too serious antitrust issues that will demand to be resolved. A spokesman for Men, Bob, said that Men had been trying for years to merge with Women and that this was the culmination of a long-held dream for them. Women were unavailable for comment.

ROME, May xxx, 2305 (Religious News Service) -- Afterwards several eons of discord and competition for the souls of Humanicorp, God and Satan take decided to merge in a bargain that will bring together heaven and hell. "Some say I've made a bargain with the Devil," said God, who appeared simultaneously on CNN, Fob News, the major networks and all radios and personal computers, too equally in the heaven. "Simply I adopt to think of this as two old adversaries setting aside differences for the good of consumers." Those close to the fragile negotiations said that God would be chairman of the combined company and that Satan would agree the post of president. Merger talks broke off several centuries ago, in part because the executives could not achieve an agreement on who would run a combined company. Reminded of his famous rebuff of God at that time, "Meliorate to reign in hell than serve in heaven," Satan joked, "I accept it back." Satan's old organization, whose name is Legion, does not programme any layoffs.

JERUSALEM, April one, 1999 (Religious News Service) -- Standing the current trend back towards plough-of-the-century monopolies, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Chanukah will merge. An manufacture source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years, ever since the rise of the Muslim Empire. While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. Past combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high quality service during the Fifteen Days of Christmukah, as the new holiday is existence called. Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking existence the hardest hit.

As part of the weather of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced past Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience. Also, instead of translating to "A keen miracle happened there," the bulletin on the dreydl volition be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens."

In exchange, it is believed that Jews will exist immune to employ Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for ownership and delivering their gifts. In fact, one of the sticking points holding upwards the agreement for at to the lowest degree three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa fifty-fifty after having eaten meat for dinner. A quantum came terminal twelvemonth, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy nearly this development except for Santa's dentist.

A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works equally well. He merely pointed out that were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed exist seen as an unfair cornering of the vacation market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa volition assistance to maintain the competitive balance.

He so closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy, Come All Ye True-blue."

Why did the Chicken Cross the Route?

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To become to the other side.

TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the merely trip the institution would let it take.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping fifty tons of nerve gas on information technology.

JACK NICHOLSON: 'cause it f.....m wanted to. That'southward the f.....g reason.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly become where no chicken has gone before.

HIPPOCRATES: Because of an backlog of phlegm in its pancreas.

ARTHUR ANDERSEN CONSULTANT: Deregulation of the craven's side of the road was threatening its dominant market place position. The craven was faced with meaning challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the customer, helped the chicken past rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken apply its skills, methodologies, cognition, majuscule and experiences to align the chicken'due south people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy inside a Program Direction framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation manufacture to engage in a ii-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge uppercase, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The coming together was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear,and unified marketplace message and aligned with the craven's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the cosmos of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken modify to become more successful.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The route, you run into, represents the black man. The craven 'crossed' the black human in order to trample him and keep him down.

FOX MULDER: Y'all saw it cross the route with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the route before you believe information technology. RICHARD Thousand. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the craven did NOT cross the road.

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have only released the new Chicken Role 2000, which volition not only cross roads, merely volition lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.

OLIVER Stone: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, information technology is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved below the chicken depends upon your frame of reference. ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To dice. In the rain.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed 1?

Duck Food...

A duck walks into a bar and says "Do you have duck food here?"

The bartender says "No" and the duck leaves.

The duck comes back the adjacent mean solar day and says "Do you have duck food?"

The bartender says "No."

The duck comes back the next day and says "Do you have any duck food?" The bartender says "I already told you 'No' twice! If y'all come back and ask me again, I'm going to nail your feet to the floor!"

The duck comes back the next day and says "Practise you have any nails?"

The bartender says "No."

"Do you have any duck food?"

So Drunk He Can't Walk

And then Drunkard He Can't Stand Up...

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand up ane more time, but to no avail. Once more, he falls flat on his face up. He figures he'll clamber outside and get some fresh air and maybe that volition sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face. The Irishman decides to crawl the four blocks to his home.

When he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls apartment on his face. He crawls through the door into his sleeping accommodation. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more than time to stand up. This time, he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed. He is sound comatose as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the side by side morn to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"

"Why do you say that?" he asks innocently.

"The pub chosen. You left your wheelchair in that location again."

Drunkard Driving?

Notation: This isn't funny, from one point of view, only then, from another...

A Highway Patrolman waited outside a pop bar, hoping for a bust. At closing fourth dimension anybody come out and he spotted his potential quarry. The human being was and so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car.

After trying his keys on 5 other cars, he finally institute his own vehicle. He sat in the car a good 10 minutes, as the other patrons left. He turned his lights on, so off, wipers on, then off. He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped.

Finally, when he was the last auto, he pulled out onto the road and started to bulldoze abroad. The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his swell surprise, the man blew a 0.00. The patrolman was dumbfounded. "This equipment must exist broken!" he exclaimed.

"I doubt it," said the man, "this evening I am the designated decoy!"

Mental attitude Adjustment

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you practise this? Come with me running through the woods! You lot'll run across, you'll feel then much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.

Then they come beyond an elephant snorting coke, so the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why exercise you do this? Retrieve about your health. Come running with usa through the pretty forest! You lot'll run into, you'll feel so proficient!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The 3 animals so come beyond a lion well-nigh to shoot up and the rabbit says, "Lion my friend, why do you practise this? Call back of what you are doing to your body! Come running with united states through the sunny forest! You will feel then good!" The panthera leo puts down his needle, picks upwards the rabbit and starts beating him.

As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror they say, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!"

The king of beasts says, "He always makes me run around the wood for hours every time he'south on ecstasy!"

A Virus that Microsoft Can Handle

Foot-AND-MOUTH BELIEVED TO BE First VIRUS UNABLE TO SPREAD THROUGH MICROSOFT OUTLOOK

Researchers Shocked to Finally Notice Virus That Email App Doesn't Like

Atlanta, Ga. (SatireWire.com) - Scientists at the Centers for Illness Control and Symantec's AntiVirus Research Center today confirmed that pes-and-mouth affliction cannot be spread by Microsoft'southward Outlook e-mail application, believed to be the first fourth dimension the program has e'er failed to propagate a major virus.

"Frankly, nosotros've never heard of a virus that couldn't spread through Microsoft Outlook, so our findings were, to say the least, unexpected," said Clive Sarnow, director of the CDC's infectious affliction unit.

The study was immediately hailed past British officials, who said it volition save millions of pounds and thousands of man hours. "Up until at present we have, quite naturally, assumed that both foot-and-mouth and mad cow were spread by Microsoft Outlook," said Nick Dark-brown, Britain'south Agriculture Minister. "By eliminating information technology, we tin can focus our resources elsewhere."

However, researchers in the Netherlands, where foot-and-mouth has recently appeared, said they are not yet prepared to disqualify Outlook, which has been the progenitor of viruses such as "I Honey You," "Bubbleboy," "Anna Kournikova," and "Naked Wife," to name merely a few.

Said Nils Overmars, director of the Molecular Virology Lab at Leiden University: "It's not that we don't trust the inquiry, it'south just that as scientists, we are trained to be skeptical of any finding that flies in the face of established truth. And this one flies in the face similar a blind boozer sparrow."

Executives at Microsoft, meanwhile, were equally skeptical, insisting that Outlook'southward patented Virus Transfer Protocol (VTP) has proven virtually pervious to any virus. The company, all the same, volition issue a complimentary VTP patch if it turns out the application is non vulnerable to foot-and-rima oris.

Such an admission would exist embarrassing for the software giant, but Symantec virologist Ariel Kologne insisted that no one is more humiliated by the study than she is. "Only last calendar week, I had a reporter inquire if the human foot-and-oral cavity virus spreads through Microsoft Outlook, and I told him, 'Doesn't everything?'" she recalled. "Who would've thought?"

Santa Claus: An Engineer'southward Perspective

* There are approximately two billion children (persons under xviii) in the world. However, since Santa does non visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas nighttime to 15% of the full, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an boilerplate (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one adept child in each.

* Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to piece of work with, thanks to the dissimilar time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels eastward to due west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per 2d. This is to say that, for each Christian household with a proficient kid, Santa has around i/1000th of a 2d to park the sleigh, hop out, bound down the chimney, make full the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, become back upwards the chimney, hope back into the sleigh, and get to the adjacent firm.

* Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed effectually the world (which, of course, we know to be fake, but will take for the purposes of our calculations), we are at present talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bath stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per 2nd - three,000 times the speed of audio.

* For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.

* The payload of the sleigh adds some other interesting chemical element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more that a medium sized Lego set (ii pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 yard tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Fifty-fifty granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them - Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload -- not counting the weight of Santa, which is reported to be fairly impressive -- to 600,000 tons.

* 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance -- this would heat up the reindeer in the same mode as a spacecraft re-entering the globe's atmosphere. The pb pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In curt, they would flare-up into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer squad would be vaporized inside iv.26 thousandths of a second, or right abroad, and but before the sleigh, presents, and Santa followed.

* Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.

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Source: https://people.bu.edu/wwildman/WeirdWildWeb/jokes_miscellaneous.htm

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